Epic fail for me again. I haven't blogged in way too long and there's been plenty for me to blog about. Maybe part of the reason I haven't is because there's been too much on my mind that I haven't had a chance to sift through and decide what I want to share with everyone. I guess there's still a little bit of that right now, but there's been a few things that have stuck out quite a bit to me over the last two months.
Here's the main question that's been plaguing me for several months now: "How do I continue my life and act like nothing's happened when the level of betrayal and hurt and heartache I feel borders on insurmountable?" I know we've all had things happen to us in our lives that we think we can't get over or come back from. Sometimes, it just seems impossible. I've been experiencing one of those times for the past several months.
Here's the lowdown and then I'll break into my usual attempt at philisophical resolutions. I have been accused, along with one of my friends, of being the biggest gossip at church. I find this ironic because I'm never there. I haven't really been able to do much but go to sacrament meeting for almost two years now. I can't even do that anymore because of the work scheduling conflict. Anyway. I have been called out several times in the past several months for spreading rumors about someone close to me. Not only that, but I've apparently been spreading rumors that this person and the significant other in the picture are talking about getting married in April. I've also been accused of being downright rude to the significant other. How you ask? You're gonna love this...by not smiling or waving or making eye contact with the significant other. The person close to me pitched an almighty fit and told me that my father would not tolerate it if I were to treat my mother with such disrespect. No joke.
My first response is to scream, "Are you freaking kidding me?! What are we? High School freshmen?!" My second is to fight back and defend myself, which, unfortunately, I did.The fighting back part. Not the defending myself. I had a long discussion, via Skype because this person doesn't seem to be able to talk to anyone in person about important things, with this person that's close to me about what I thought of the significant other. I've reached a point in my life where I don't sugar coat how I feel. I don't have time or the inclination to hold your hand and tell you what you want to hear. So I laid out how I felt and none of it was positive. This significant other reminds me of someone me and another friend have less than affectionately nicknamed "Crazy Pants". No joke. Because I was honest, I was reamed. I was told I was being judgemental and that every gift I thought I'd been given from my Heavenly Father was null and void and a figment of my imagination. Again, I wish I could say I was joking. I back pedaled, as it was close to Christmas and I wanted to make peace so others involved wouldn't have to deal with the tension between me and this person, and I apologized. I admitted I didn't know the significant other very well and said that I would try to give that person a chance. I didn't realize at the time how much my resolve and good nature would be tested.
Since then, I've been forced to accept a relationship that I can't support. I've been told to either accept it or be cut from this persons life. Before you say just let this person go, I can't. In most instances, I'd agree and say cut the bad fruit from the tree before the rot starts to spread. I can't this time. So, in order to have this person in my life, I'm having to dig a whole lot deeper than I ever have before to find the tolerance and patience to deal with the unwelcome parasite that has latched onto mine and my family's lives.
Now, for the philisophical part. If this were anyone else, I'd immediately tell them to let that toxic person in their life go. No one needs the stress and worry and sickness that comes from this level of toxicity. The person we call "Crazy Pants" is a prime example of that. I swear that girl has borderline personality disorder and I therefore avoid her like the plague. I don't need that kind of drama and mess in my life. I get enough from my own problems. Anyone who came to me describing a situtation I just described would get the exact same advice from me...unless you were telling me it was family, like my situation is.
When does a situation with your family reach the point where you have to say enough is enough? When do you cut off the constant stream of lies and half truths that do nothing but ruin the fragile bridge of trust that took years to build as it is? Prophets throughout history have said to love the sinner and hate the sin. Christ himself said to forgive our neighbor until 70x7. Does that mean count out the 490 times you're supposed to forgive your neighbor, or in this case family member, and stop when you've reached that magical 490? No. It means forgiveness is infinite and should be given to everyone. I would however add a word of caution to this explanation.
Just because someone has come back and apologized and forgiveness has been given all around the board, that doesn't mean that trust has been reestablished. In my case, this person has begun telling me he loves me again. Unfortunately, I don't trust it. I was forced to eat a lot of bad tasting crow for something I don't think I should've had to apologize for. The only reason he's now telling me he loves me, is because I caved and decided to be the bigger person. Up until that point, he was going to basically disown me. I was no longer his sister and there was nothing I could've done except accept that he was right and I was wrong. Therefore, my council to anyone else experiencing something like this is fairly simple, though it took way too long to get to it.
If you have a friend whose relationship with you is more toxic than positive, forgive them and let them go. Holding on to those grudges only hurts you. Trust me. I know. If you have family that is causing a similar situation, forgive them and love them, but it's ok to be on your guard about them. I used to think passing judgement on people was wrong. It took an unwed pregnancy and several years of very big mistakes to realize that passing judgement is ok...as long as it is righteous. That's a fine line to walk. Here's how I do it: If I'm in a situation and can draw on my past experiences to see the potential hazards and pitfalls that situation might bring, I'm going to excerise my hard earned judgement and avoid those hazards and pitfalls. It's called experience for a reason. We weren't sent to earth to just exist. We were sent here to learn. Why wouldn't we use what we've learned to be happy?
The bottom line is just that. Everyone deserves to be happy. The best person to affect that happiness is you. Use what you know and make the right decision.
